Saving or spending?

This weekend I was in San Diego, staying right across the street from Fashion Valley, a huge high end mall.  Because it’s easy to walk there, it is one of my tourist attractions when I go to San Diego.  I always visit the Apple store.  They always take time to talk to me at length about anything I want to talk about.  (Hah! makes me sound like a lonely old lady who goes around looking for someone who will talk to her.  Oh, maybe I am.  Not.)  Anyway, I tried out the new Macbook and was shocked by its lightning speed.  I am still quite happy with my older Powerbook, but had no idea a computer could be as fast as this Macbook.  The salesguy – they have some name for them, (not Genius – they are the ones that help you troubleshoot), maybe they call them “best friends,” cause that’s how they act.  Anyway he was telling me all about the specs of the computer and why I should get the best hard drive I can afford but don’t need more than the 2G of memory on and on.  No pressure, just smart logic is a big seller.  I could have just anteed up right then and there and walked out with one.

When I went back to my room, I did the math.  The work I’m doing this summer, the plans I have made for the money, which don’t – or haven’t – included a new computer all spun through my head.  It’s amazing to me how virtuous I am in my intention to pay off all my debt (which intention I am steadfast in maintaining), until I see something shiny like this new Mac.  The world of spending money opens like a giant chasm before me when I see something I really want.  It’s an interesting thing to observe.  And avoid. (Deep breath, calm down…)

As I walked through that mall, I could see that others are doing the same kind of self calming.  Several stores were closing and I noticed a couple of others are no longer there.  Even in San Diego, even in a mall with Nordstroms, Bloomingdales, Tiffany, Prada and Kate Spade, people are keeping a tighter rein on their purse strings, it seems.  Guess it’s just the right thing to do.  For now.  It will be interesting to see if this continues into the future, once we get used to holding back the non-essential spending.  I am sure it will for me.  Enough stuff is enough.

A narrow view

Those of you who read this blog occasionally probably know that this year I committed to taking a photo a day.  This is a dicey challenge at times, but mostly it’s really fun.  Lately I’ve been thinking about how deceptive a photo can  be.  Last Sunday I took the shot above when I was out for a walk.  A friend commented on how lovely my walk is, as evidenced by this photo.  Now I love my neighborhood and I do think it is nice looking in an old bungalow sort of way. But it doesn’t all look like this shot.  This is just one block at the very end of my route.  Since I took this and Delaine commented on it I’ve been thinking about the shots that I and others take and post.  How we give an impression that is interpreted in a narrow way, because the information available is so limited.  There could be a garbage dump right around the corner from this walkway (there isn’t, okay?) but from this shot it would still look like this.

I think we give a similar view of ourselves to the people we meet.  You meet someone and probably your first impression is pretty accurate as far as whether or not you will like the person.  But you are only meeting a little bit of them, their public bit that they feel safe enough to show and share.  It takes a long time to delve beneath the surface to really know a person.  What makes them laugh or cry, what pisses them off, what they feel insecure about, all of that.  When I was a child my mom taught me a little friend ditty. It goes like this (you must sing it.  It works well as a round):

“Make new friends, but keep the old…One is silver and the other is gold.”

She always taught me to hang on to any true friends I am fortunate enough to encounter in my life.  She said that although you will make lots of acquaintances, some of them very engaging and dear, you make few true friends and they must be nurtured and treasured for the gift that they are.  Once you know what’s around the corner, you just feel safer, somehow.   Yeah, so…  Just saying.

Heartspider

Like anyone else, on many occasions I have had reason to notice how I deal with emotional distress.  I remember once, many years ago, when my son was a teenager and something he had said or done made me really mad.  I remember stomping into the house, tearing the kitchen cupboard open and looking for chocolate.  I could suddenly see clearly, “I am so mad – I need to eat about it.”  Whoa~that stopped me in my tracks.  Until the next time, when maybe I was a different degree of mad and I failed to notice it at all and ate the chocolate.

Another time, before I was a teacher, someone at my work had played a joke on me, at least they called it that. It involved a prolonged and elaborate scheme of lies. To me it represented a significant betrayal.  I felt broken inside, and after a few minutes of messy despair, I noticed something happening within me.    Here is what I had to say about it (this is a piece of a much longer story):

“  I felt myself deflate, kind of like a bike tire that’s just run over a puncture vine.  I had this stupid smile still hanging on my face, but I felt empty. I recalled all the little details…and it was all a lie.  I felt a burning anger at everyone who had been involved in this farce.  How could they do that to me?  I thought they liked me, that we had a strong and trustworthy relationship…After a few minutes I made an excuse and left the office.  I needed to get out and feel my pain, to sort it all out.  That was when I discovered the heartspider.  While I was engulfed in this flood of pain and anger, I felt a fuzziness growing within me.  It felt like a little spider was in my deepest self, quickly spinning a cocoon-like web to separate and bury the pain that I was feeling.  At first I resented her interference.  I wanted and needed to feel the hurt and anger.  At the same time, I began to wonder how many little fuzzy balls of insulated pain a heard can hold, and if they eventually burst out into  thousands of tiny ones, like baby spiders…Maybe everyone has a heartspider, I don’t know.  I think that I can learn to live with mine.  She was at work within minutes, wrapping up my own pain so that I could sense the sorrow and loneliness of another person.  I think I need her.”

Recently something happened which caused me to feel an emotional response.  As I went through my reaction, I watched as I grabbed a good book to read, realizing, even as I did so that reading would numb the pain.  The next morning I decided to take a walk in the park, even though it was rainy, and take some pictures.  Another distraction.  When I returned home I went back to the book.  That was when I remembered the heartspider.  I hadn’t had occasion to think of her for a long time.  But I recognize her work.  And now, after a couple of days, it is complete.  I am able to see more clearly, without the distraction of my emotions.  It’s true I can feel a new little capsule in there.  And it may someday burst into thousands of tiny ones. Is this the healthiest of ways to deal with emotions?  I can’t say.  Maybe some would say it isn’t.  I’m just glad to notice that this time I didn’t search for chocolate!

Camera Repair???

I am distraught.  Well, sort of.  Definitely off kilter.  Last night I went to a party out at the Sacramento River (accepting all invitations that come my way, remember…) and on my way down the hill from the taco truck I hit a very slippery patch of grass and fell down.  No big deal, just a little banged up.  When I got home I remembered to take the battery out of my camera and charge it, and when I put the new one in and turned on my camera to see if the second battery had taken a charge, the lens was sort of stuck and wouldn’t come out.  I noticed the problem and adjusted it a little and it was fine.  When I fell I had on a little backpack and the camera was in there, and it must have been jarred when I hit the ground.  I was so relieved that it was okay.

About an hour ago I went out for a little photowalk, and when I stopped to take my first shot, discovered that the LCD screen is shattered!  I’m so sad about that.  This is not the time to buy a new camera, and I have this commitment to a photo a day.  I think it still takes pictures, but I can’t see what I’m taking a picture of for anything.  I hope I can get it fixed.  If not, well.  That will be sad indeed.

All things considered…

A week ago I had occasion to talk to a friend I knew 40 years ago, who I had not spoken with for that long.  He asked me, “Have you had a good life?” I loved that question!  Forty years is indeed long enough to ask that, and it gave me reason to consider…have I had a good life?  I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and have come to the conclusion that I have indeed had a good life.  Not that it was ever in doubt, but sometimes I complain.  Sometimes I get a little depressed and feel a little wronged by circumstances that have befallen me.

But really, I should say “by circumstances that I have occasioned.  And hopefully, learned from.”  And when I look with a long lens, I have indeed had a good life.  And I expect more of the same!