Recentering

I love how gloriously centered this gardenia is. Each petal pivots and swirls from the center to the outer edge, the whole thing nestled in those waxy leaves and exuding a fragrance like no other. A few years ago a nurseryman came and looked at my yard and told me to remove the gardenia, but I couldn’t bear to. And I’m glad I didn’t. Right now it is covered in huge blossoms like this one. Can you smell it?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’ve realized that the essence of my current quest is a need to recenter myself. I’ve been kind of off-kilter about my job for some time now, and have done a lot of writing, thinking, talking and meditation about that. I’m at a resting place with regard to that, at least in this moment. However, it seems that I couldn’t quite let go of my imbalance.

About two weeks ago I decided to buy a house. A second house, for I already have one. This house was located close to my granddaughter’s house and I loved (still do) the idea of her being able to just drop in whenever she wants to, now that she is old enough to ride her bike a little ways on her own. It all seemed to be lined up really well, because my older daughter and her husband are looking for a place to live and wanted to rent my house. It was a match made in heaven. Or seemed to be, except that the seller never responded to my offer. After 10 days, and rumors of his irritation with my low price, never mind that he received another low offer while he was entertaining mine and rejected it, he never responded. No counter offer, no rejection, just talk. And it didn’t seem like anyone was pushing him to do so. Everyone just kind of waited around while he threw tantrums. Finally, when it looked like just agreeing on a price could take months, if it ever happened, I rescinded the offer.

While it felt like I was taking care of myself in doing that, and I really did think it over before I did, being on the other side of it has left me feeling off kilter. Mourning a little bit the loss of the dream I had woven in those ten days. Not quite understanding why it didn’t work. What I missed in weaving that tapestry. Once again I feel imbalanced.

Now it’s Sunday night, and I’m looking at another week with time to do whatever I want to do. I think that I will spend this time releasing some stuck places. Getting rid of some stuff and re-finding something else that isn’t about places or stuff. Something that involves a little finer focus, some centering and relocating myself within my space, on all levels.

How about you?  What do you do to release yourself from the bindings, be they physical, mental, emotional or spiritual or some combination of them all (and really, when we’re stuck it is always on more than one simple level!)?  I’d love to hear what you do when you notice you need to shake things up and clear out the stuck spots.

BSLE Day 18: Focusing on the Experiment

Today I went to school and kind of cleaned up my classroom so I don’t have to go there again for a while.  For the past couple of days, since I typed up my list of to- and not-to-dos, I’ve been focusing more on this experiment.  It gets to be evening and I go, “Oh, just go take a walk.  Then you can check that off.” or “Finish drinking your bottle of water.  You know you need to.”

I’m coming around, I think.  There remain a few things that I haven’t gotten started yet, but I have faith that I will.  Next on my list is the Shiva Nata practice.  I think I’ll get that going tonight.  Check.

BSLE Day 16: In which I think things over

Here it is.  The past and the present.  I used to work at this school.  On that water tank is painted the name of the much loved principal who died one morning on his way to work.  I filled in as Assistant Principal here for a few months after he passed, juggling my grief with a lot of standardized tests and naughty students who needed discipline.  I thought I’d be an administrator after that.  All signs pointed that way.  I went to school and took all the right classes, got the credential and did as I was asked by those in positions of superiority.   I was good at that sort of job, and I liked it because I always had a lot to do.  It felt good to organize my lists and then check things off of them.  It was still messy, but not like being in the classroom.  No grades to do, no lessons to plan.  I was in awe of how hard teachers work to make less money than I was making.

After a couple of years working in “that” sort of job, I noticed that every time I owned my passion the person to whom I reported made sure to put me back in the box for which I was approved.  Passion, creativity, new ways of looking at a problem were not acceptable for a person in my position.  Eventually the job went away and I wondered what I’d done wrong.  Had I actually done something wrong?  I always had good reviews – they said I was a team player, always went beyond what I was asked to do. Things like that.  But in my reviews no mention was ever made of the times I was swept back into compliance.  Those aberrations of my behavior were kindly ignored on my reviews.  Until it came to revisiting staff assignments and suddenly it seemed that my position was expendable.  And it was, it truly was.  I had been reduced to doing work that a good administrative assistant could do.  My degrees and experience were not needed at all for the work I was doing.  But who was I to complain?  I was making more money than I had in the classroom and I was on the track to… where?  I never really thought about that. I had kind of lost my way, I realize.

In retrospect, I remember the day I was packing up my classroom, and a dear friend and colleague came in to say how much she’d miss me.  I looked at her, and with tears clogging my throat, said, “I don’t know why I’m doing this.  All I ever wanted was to be a good teacher.”  But I continued packing and left that school.

For the past year I’ve been back in the classroom, only this time it was a seventh grade one.  I wound up there because again I listened to the people who suggested it was stepping along the path I  had chosen and once again I complied.  It was the hardest year of my teaching life.  Like starting over again.  Taking care of myself was not part of the picture.  And why should it be?  I wasn’t even listening to my heart where work was concerned.  How could I even get close to the real heart of my life?

Now I have a little time off.  And I’m really thinking things over.  Really, what am I supposed to do next?  Where is my heart, my passion?  I can’t even feature why I am writing about it in such a public place, but as I recall, this is why I started this blog.  Accountablility to myself and to others.  There is no easy answer to spout out.  No big AHA!  Not yet at least.  I guess I will just keep walking and drinking that water.  I’ll look at my checklist (which I finally typed up last night!!)each morning and do a couple of things on it every day, until I finally reach a day in which I do it all.  And then I’ll see what’s up.

BSLE Day 12: Am I still here?

Well, yesterday’s events led me directly to the chocolates I’d purchased for the summer school teacher meeting I had set up.  Quite a few of them, actually.  Enough that I woke up with a vicious sugar headache this morning.  It’s gone now, and new developments today have the chocolates screaming at me again.  I wonder how I learned to eat about things that disagree with me.  Come to think of it, I do one of three things: eat sugar, preferably chocolate, play mahjong solitaire on the computer or read a novel.

Never am I gifted with the urge to lift weights or run or garden or work on my own novel. Nor do I erupt.  Ever.  I’m just attracted to the mind numbing stuff.  Hm.  How long have I known this?  Apparently not very long.  Actually, I have known this for a while, but I take myself to such a numbness that I forget to change anything about my behavior.

I’m going to make that changes chart tonight.  I swear.  Right after I go to the library and see what’s new.

Beginning of Summer Lifesaving Experiment Day 11?

Well, how many days into this am I?  It’s amazing how easily life’s variances can throw me off course.  Today a chunk of summer employment that I was counting on was cancelled.  It threw me for a couple of hours,even though really it is not a huge deal.  I still have a job and I will figure out how to get by without that piece of money.  Actually, there are a couple of work-related things that are messing with my mind lately, and in dealing with those things, I seem to forget about all the other things I mean to do.  My intentions waver and plummet, it seems.  I just completely forget myself.  I don’t even remember to drink water.  Hello? How hard is drinking some water every day?  But I forget about it.  I swear I’m making a little checklist tomorrow.  If I remember.

So, yeah.  Life throws us surprises but usually there is a gift in there somewhere.  If we can just open our eyes to see it.  So now my BSLE will last longer and receive a more consistent focus.  And that will be good.

Summer LIfesaving Experiment, Day 5

This image seems appropos for today.  It was a collaborative effort between my granddaughter and I as we tried to figure out a new iPhone app.  Turns out it’s so simple.  I have a tendency to make thing far more complicated than need be, and sometimes I just need to be reminded to slow down and be patient, with myself as well as with others.  To let go of my need to know everything, to control how things work out.  I have to remind myself that things will work out as they ought to no matter what I do.  I forget that sometimes.

This livesaving experiment is certainly revelatory to me.  I can quite easily forget I’m even doing it, except I don’t quite.  Old habits are hard to shake, is all I have to say.  I have heard it said that it takes three weeks to change a habit.  So do you think you can change a whole bunch of them in three weeks, or do they need three weeks each?  If so I’ll have ‘em lined up past Halloween. Which is actually just fine.  Better that than not cleaning anything up.

I hope your life is clear and simple and that it makes you happy.  Seems like a good thing to strive for.

Summer Lifesaving Experiment Day 4

It’s Saturday, the day of my favorite morning.  I start Saturday out by driving to the Farmer’s Market at 6:00 A.M., an hour before it opens.  I park my car at the edge of it, where it will be easy to put my purchases in the car when they get too heavy.  Then I walk to Peet’s for a cup of coffee and some conversation with friends.  Used to be, Saturday morning was journal time at the cafe, and I treasured that.  Over time, I made friends with some of the weekend regulars and now I go for the friendship.  It’s lively and often smart and invariably interesting.

I stay for an hour and a half or so, and then I go to the market.  I put two Chico bags in one pocket, my camera around my neck and some cash in the other pocket and begin to browse.  It usually takes one trip around, shooting photos and checking out the booths before I buy anything.  The first photo, lately, is of the odd cactus of the week at the incredible cactus booth.  I never realized what a truly odd plant that is until this year when some incredible specimens have been showed off there.  There are perfect round balls, giant flowering phallus-looking things, tiny little primary colored ones…always something  breathtaking, sometimes breathtakingly funny.

Above is the food I bought today.  I left out the rice and the beets and the organic multigrain seeded loaf I bought from Tin Roof Bakery.  I looked at the bounty as I prepared the still life above, and thought that I’m going to have to be diligent to get it all eaten in only a week.  I might have to overeat vegetables.  What a concept!

As for the Experiment, I’d give it a pretty good for today.  We cleaned up the house on Friday evening, so it feels cool and comfortable.  Plus points there.  I made a pot of beet borscht.  Plus points there.  Didn’t eat it yet because I want to eat it cold.  Minus points there because I didn’t eat much of anything else except a few chocolate chunk/almond cookies from Trader Joe’s.  Oh, and the blackberries.  I did some grading, but no exercise.  I spent too much time reading a too-long book (not-to-do list) and surfing around (ditt0).

On another front that often occupies me, I went to look at a house that is for sale in an area I’d like to live in. I’m tormenting myself with whether to fly into action on selling my house, or just let it go.  I spend a lot of mental energy on this, which I won’t bother explaining here and now.  But I think I had to sit around and think about it beneath chapters of a giant book I’m reading.  On some level I have to make a decision about that.

Anyway, overall I realize that in some ways it is easier to take care of myself well when I am working, because I don’t have as much time available to use well.  I don’t have time to just let it slide by while I’m thinking about something else.  Good thing to notice!  There’s no telling what all I might accomplish if I shift my attention a little.  What about you, where do you find your attention wandering?