Shifting tides

That title sounds like I’ve been to the beach. On the contrary, I’d love to go there but haven’t in a huge long time. I’m thinking today about depression, and how it can come and go, at least in my life. Last week I was feeling really vacant, and I felt powerless to do anything about it. I could look at and strongly rue the mess of my house, but felt unable to lift a finger to put anything away. Driving down the road, I could ooze into tears without any definable reason. Yet I could see it as though from a distance and tell myself that I was most certainly depressed. Even though I am somewhat opposed to, actually fearful of – taking drugs, I began to wonder about anti-depressants.

Then came a shift. I forced myself to make a decision about my job, one that I’d been perplexed and obsessed about for some time. After an all day meeting out of town, I went and sat in my office and made a decision. Then I notified all of the necessary people, took a deep breath and went home. Almost immediately I felt an easing of the tightness that had held me in check. Two days later, I discovered that my bank balance was higher than I expected because of a check I’d forgotten I would be receiving, and finally I felt the shift.

So am I saying the answer to depression is money? Not really. It’s just that money is often a big stessor for me so having some releases that part of the tightness that holds me. Difficult decisions or perhaps more realistically, accepting difficult things is something else that holds me, while I wrestle with it in my mind, so arriving at a calm place with regard to that releases me again, or further.

I am speaking of depression in a simplistic way, I know, and anyone who has experienced it over a long period of time would surely scoff at my treatment of it here. But I had such a clear view of it all the other day as I sat in my car with tears seeping out, and how it relates to so many behaviors that drag and hold people down – things like overeating, drinking, drug using, working out, video game playing, internet surfing, reading, excesses of anything. Oh God! Blogging? Maybe so.

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