IMG_6715I love how gloriously centered this gardenia is. Each petal pivots and swirls from the center to the outer edge, the whole thing nestled in those waxy leaves and exuding a fragrance like no other. A few years ago a nurseryman came and looked at my yard and told me to remove the gardenia, but I couldn’t bear to. And I’m glad I didn’t. Right now it is covered in huge blossoms like this one. Can you smell it?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’ve realized that the essence of my current quest is a need to recenter myself. I’ve been kind of off-kilter about my job for some time now, and have done a lot of writing, thinking, talking and meditation about that. I’m at a resting place with regard to that, at least in this moment. However, it seems that I couldn’t quite let go of my imbalance.

About two weeks ago I decided to buy a house. A second house, for I already have one. This house was located close to my granddaughter’s house and I loved (still do) the idea of her being able to just drop in whenever she wants to, now that she is old enough to ride her bike a little ways on her own. It all seemed to be lined up really well, because my older daughter and her husband are looking for a place to live and wanted to rent my house. It was a match made in heaven. Or seemed to be, except that the seller never responded to my offer. After 10 days, and rumors of his irritation with my low price, never mind that he received another low offer while he was entertaining mine and rejected it, he never responded. No counter offer, no rejection, just talk. And it didn’t seem like anyone was pushing him to do so. Everyone just kind of waited around while he threw tantrums. Finally, when it looked like just agreeing on a price could take months, if it ever happened, I rescinded the offer.

While it felt like I was taking care of myself in doing that, and I really did think it over before I did, being on the other side of it has left me feeling off kilter. Mourning a little bit the loss of the dream I had woven in those ten days. Not quite understanding why it didn’t work. What I missed in weaving that tapestry. Once again I feel imbalanced.

Now it’s Sunday night, and I’m looking at another week with time to do whatever I want to do. I think that I will spend this time releasing some stuck places. Getting rid of some stuff and re-finding something else that isn’t about places or stuff. Something that involves a little finer focus, some centering and relocating myself within my space, on all levels.

How about you?  What do you do to release yourself from the bindings, be they physical, mental, emotional or spiritual or some combination of them all (and really, when we’re stuck it is always on more than one simple level!)?  I’d love to hear what you do when you notice you need to shake things up and clear out the stuck spots.


6 thoughts on “Recentering

  1. dkzody says:

    Lynn, if that house is meant for you, it will all work out; if not, then be glad that you could walk away. There will be other houses.

    Right now we are dithering over an apartment in SF. If it’s the right one, everything will fall into place; if not, there will be another time and apartment.

    Having the summer off is good for just the kind of speculation you are doing. You can’t do that and teach too.

  2. stuckinmypedals says:

    You know about my stuck place and I’m just going to keep writing about it until one day I don’t anymore. It’s like cauterizing a wound. The cauterization is only used in the most dire of situations to close a wound. After searing it, the immediate danger is gone, but the wound still has to heal. I think this time in my writing is helping me heal. Thanks again for your words Friday.

  3. lynnjake says:

    Alicia, your writing is so beautiful and I’m sure it is getting to those hidden corners of your heart. You are right to just keep writing. Take care of yourself. It’s important, and it’s your time. I’ll be sending you my best.

  4. bonnie K says:

    Stuck, good question…stuck about weight loss, zippering up. Maintaining the intellectual resolve in my head before our SI begins on July 7th. I am great at home, by myself, but restaurants with friends, parties…ugh. I don’t stop. There, it’s out.
    As for your dream house. I get that! You owned it in your head. You saw a fresh life there. You do have to mourn the loss and move on. Are you looking at others?

  5. dkzody says:

    Follow up to my blog–no, we aren’t selling the house just yet. We are planning to look at apartments, though, and start the move in gradual increments. I have to teach one more year to get lifetime benefits, and I am planning next year’s lessons as I write.

    I should put out a post, though, on what FUSD is doing to encourage older teachers to retire. I don’t qualify, but it’s a good plan.

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