“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”
Today I cleaned the house with a resentful heart. I did. I love how a clean house feels, and I don’t even mind doing the work. It calms me and makes me feel like I’ve pulled myself together. But I felt resentful because the person with whom I live (who is 19 years old – that’ s an important fact) didn’t help one bit. He got up and left home early, dressed all cute, and still hasn’t come home.
This wouldn’t be anything noteworthy if we hadn’t had a big talk just about two weeks ago about the importance of giving back to your loved ones, as well as helping to maintain the space in which you live. This was a big talk, one of those that doesn’t come around very often, and that you really don’t want to be in the habit of having. Because it’s uncomfortable to tell that much truth, and when emotion gets involved it can be so wearying. That’s how this conversation was, at least.
He said he doesn’t know when to clean the bathroom because he doesn’t notice when it’s dirty. I said, “Just do it on Saturday morning. You can count on it needing it once a week.” That was two or three weeks ago and I finally gave up and cleaned the bathroom today. I noticed that I was feeling resentment, and a feeling of hurt that I can’t count on him. I also acknowledged that the feeling is mine, and has nothing to do with him.
I have a situation at school which I resent as well. I have suddenly had to share my desk and laptop with a person who was recently released from their position at another school. She is finishing out her contract at our school for some reason, and since I use my office only two periods a day, she was placed there when I’m not. Yesterday I came in to do some work, and she was in the middle of a conversation with a student. She said she’d be done soon, but I only had a short time left, so I went to the faculty lunchroom to do what I had to do. I was resentful every minute I was in there.
So, what should one do with this feeling? It is mine alone, and has nothing to do with any other person, really. Wanting some guidance, I looked it up on Tiny Buddha , and here’s what I learned:
1.Express Yourself. It’s important to express our pain, to ourselves, at any rate. We must own our emotions, not deny them. They suggest this mantra:
“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”
2. Communicate your feelings from a calm and balanced frame of mind. I like to call it a point of neutrality. You are doing this for yourself, not for the relationship or for the other person. You are doing it because you owe it to yourself to live a truthful life, free of resentment.
3. Practice forgiveness. When you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist. Wow, yeah. I think I hang on to my resentment because I need to be right. And even if I am right in my own mind, the practice of resentment only hurts me.
“We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.”
Oh yes. I knew this. I guess I was just enjoying my self righteousness too much. I don’t know why I have such need to be right.. I really want to live without the puddle of resentment that I wade into so readily. It feels awful, honestly. I think I’m going to post that last quote in a prominent place, where I can see it every day. And then I’m going to go out and plant some flowers. I need to ground myself in the dirt!
Reduction Physics 
I know and understand those feelings.
Wow, I love this! Much truth and so easy to relate to. Great ending too. Thank you!
I really loved this blog post and needed it today. Funny how that works, isn’t it? The universe gives you what you need when you need it if only you open yourself up to it. I’m feeling less resentful after just reading it—and also feeling the need to get my hands in some dirt! Thank you.
Thank you for this truthful assessment of your feelings. Honestly, we all have to find our way through these tricky emotions at some time or another. For me, prayer helps!
I can so relate to this, and the Disraeli quote is a nice antidote. Thanks!
Thanks, Janice.
You are so right. We do get just what we need, just when we need it, if only we can notice it!
Kim, I agree. We do have to find our way through things, including the least flattering self assessments!
Thanks, Paula. Glad it hit home for you.
Ugh, I can very much relate to this post and to your emotions. You’re so right about resentment hurting ourselves, most of all. And yet, it is so difficult to escape it sometimes, especially when we’ve done our best to communicate what (behavior, reaction, consideration) we would like to receive from another in order to avoid the feeling in the first place.
You’re trying to teach your 19 year old a bigger lesson than just the one related to you and your feelings (including defusing your resentment). You’re trying to teach him an awareness of his environment and the importance of being considerate to those with whom he lives and loves. Those are big things to be teaching. And when they don’t “get it” for themselves, well…it’s only human, I think, to feel a bit wounded. And then…cue the resentment. Or not.
Seems to me, by recognizing it, you raised it up a notch. Indeed, you even managed to get yourself up to forgiveness. Great job!
Your honesty is remarkable. You’re an inspiration. In fact, I’m amazed that you wrote that post BEFORE going outside and grounding yourself. You must’ve been positively chill by the end of your day!
That’s impossible. I try too but really it’s tough.
Thanks Lisa. I wasn’t as chill as I’d hoped. The edges remain wounded a little, and frustrated by the lack of communication. I really do hate how resentment makes me feel, so I’m trying to let go and forgive. Just get past it, not carry it around.
You think so? I hope not!
This is very powerful and honest post. I could easily relate to both situations you described, at home and at school. In fact, as I was reading your words, I could almost feel myself getting resentful again! But you are right – we can only control our actions and attitudes, and not those of others. Thank you for the reminder.
Thanks for the thoughtful response. This really is a tricky area of interaction between (and not!) people, I think.
Hmmm…seems like the advice I need right now. Thanks for sharing the Tiny Buddha advice.
Kim
Sure. I’m glad it was timely.